Most of us are trying so hard to fit everything in that we’re spinning in overwhelm. From checking basal body temperatures, to wiping kitchen counter-tops, to editing PowerPoint slides, our to-do lists seem endless and impossible to complete. We want to do it all. And we want to do it flawlessly. When it’s time to have sex, it feels like we’re stuffing one more thing into an already over packed suitcase.
When I was 23, I won an internship to Mexico City. Fresh out of University, I was relocating to a foreign country for six months and I didn’t know what I would need. So I tried to fit as much as I could think of into the biggest suitcase I had.
Outfits for work, outfits to go out, multiple pairs of shoes, shampoos, face creams and body lotions – I went as far as packing toilet paper! My suitcase was so full I could barely zip it up.
In my perfectionist tendency to remember it all, I lost track of the most important thing. As I was leaving home, I decided to make a photocopy of my passport (just in case). I smartly packed the photocopy but ended up leaving my actual passport in the copy machine. Without my passport, of course there would be no Mexico. Thankfully, my brother was home and he drove my passport to the airport just in the nick of time.
Sex on demand
Especially if you’re trying to conceive it can feel like you’re having sex on demand. Because when you’re ovulating the pressure is on. Whether you want to or not, whether you feel like it or not, whether it’s a good time or not, you have to have sex. So you push through. You make it fit into your already over-full day. But it’s stressful. The natural pleasure of intimacy is lost and it doesn’t feel so good, to either of you.
Your passport to happy baby-making
I was so busy packing everything I could think of into my suitcase (including toilet paper) that I lost track of the most important thing. Instead of feeling relaxed and excited, I got lost in panic and pressure. Joy turned into stress.
When you’re making a baby, love is the most essential element to remember. Love is your passport to happy baby-making.
3 simple steps to love-making your baby
1. Take out the ‘toilet-paper’
It’s a seductive idea to think we need to be perfect. Perfectly organized, perfectly on schedule and perfectly prepared. It keeps us in the illusion that we’re the ones in control. But there’s a certain level of mystery and trust and permission to make mistakes that’s simply part of being human.
Once I got to Mexico, I realized I could buy toilet paper there.
Take some time in your heart to ask: What am I forcing myself to do that’s causing me stress?
2. Write it down
Make a list. What feels forced and stressful in your life? Write it all down. And then circle the one that’s causing you the most grief.
For example, one of my clients realized she hated going to the early-morning fertility clinic appointments. It felt like a burden she was facing all alone. The blood work, cycle monitoring, drugs, and tests were bad enough but the worst part was she didn’t feel supported in the process because her partner wasn’t there.
3. Share it with your partner
We’re such capable women. We can do it all. But we’re also human! We need help too. And the people who love us, are just waiting to be asked for support. Especially the men in our lives. Unfortunately, no man can read your mind which is why you need to tell him. Ideally you need to tell him what’s in your heart honestly and compassionately and ask for what you need.
When my client told her husband how she felt – like she was doing it all on her own, she was surprised. He wanted to be there. He wanted to help. So he started taking her to the clinic in the morning. It made a huge difference in how she felt. And because they were equally sharing in the fertility process, the love between them began to flow again. When ovulation came around they were looking forward to being intimate, instead of feeling like they had to have sex.
The key to intimacy
So much of intimacy relies on your ability to be vulnerable and ask for what you need. When you realize what’s missing and ask your partner for support, you create an opening. You open to the possibility of being loved. Of being met in your need. That’s when sex transforms into making-love. And trying to conceive transforms into love-making your baby.
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